The Aspiring Writer’s Survival Guide: Spoiler—You Won’t Make It

 

So, I published my first book. The publishers were thrilled. Then came the second, the third shortly after, and the fourth in no time. No chance to catch my breath. The promotion suffered, and sales were, shall we say, disappointing.

• But were your books actually distributed?

• Oh yes, in some bookstores, of course!

• "Some" as in how many?

• More than ten, less than twenty...

• Talk about "breaking into the market."

• Yeah, but you know what? Thousands of books come out every day. And if you calculate their volume and multiply it by two thousand...

• Two thousand?

• Sadly, yes. All debut authors, all brimming with enthusiasm. An army of soldiers marching straight into machine guns...

• You mean the ever-optimistic aspiring writer?

• Exactly! The one who sulks when they’re not on the bestseller list after a week. A sort of mass-produced Arturo Bandini—except he was a charming bastard, and that was another era. Back then, they paid upfront. Anyway, we’re talking about 1.90 cubic meters of books per day. Basically, a dump truck.

• Not quite like delivering gravel to the high-speed railway construction site...

• No, it’s just the sheer volume of books churned out daily by publishing houses. And this doesn’t even include self-published books.

• Which amount to...?

• No one really knows. Hundreds of thousands, maybe millions! It’s like our galaxy. For years, they’ve debated whether there are 200 or 400 billion stars, and they still haven’t figured it out. This is a nation of saints, sailors, and writers...

• All brilliant, I assume.

• Until proven otherwise, yes. But nature teaches us that when balance is lost...

• It goes without saying...

• It goes without saying that bookstores can only stock 0.4% of the books published by traditional publishers—and not a single one by self-publishing authors.

• Well, that’s something!

• If it were GDP growth, it’d be great news!

• Instead, it’s the new literature: measured in cubic meters, like natural gas.

• So, to get noticed, you hustle for book signings, chase after reviews and newspaper articles. Book signings were a godsend—before Covid. For reviews and press, you queue up and hope to charm a blogger.

• You mean, like, the Pope?

• Some bloggers act like that! I once had a spat with the editor of a top-tier blog. Actually, no, the top-tier blog.

• Why? You’re as peaceful as a sloth in summer.

• Nothing major. I asked them to review a book of mine that won a literary contest. Then another one that won a festival. And... they refused.

• What a delight. And why was that?

• Because I’m not famous.

• But famous authors don’t care about blog reviews. They go on late-night talk shows.

• Try explaining that to him

• No thanks. I’d be too blunt, and you seem hopelessly diplomatic. So, what now?

• Now, I push on social media.

• Which ones?

• Easier to say which ones I don’t use...

• Okay then, which ones don’t you use?

• Let me think... Nope, I’m on all of them.

• Even X?

• Even that cesspool!

• But X is just an insult arena! Nobody cares about novels! The only book-related hashtag is #book!

• Well, since I was at it...

• And what do authors do on all these platforms?

• It’s a charming little mess. Rarely do they encourage each other. Sometimes they read one another. More often, they despise each other, dodge each other like sidewalk dog poop, badmouth each other, reject criticism, get outraged over feedback, and desperately try to sell their books. They buy their competitor’s ebook just to slap it with a one-star review. They brag about their Amazon ratings, which for all I know, could be written by their aunt in exchange for walking her poodle to the pedicurist.

• And yet, none of these books make it to bookstore shelves because of the sheer volume...

• Exactly. Just like the cubic meters of gravel.

• No way out. You need a blog!

• Already got one.

• A blog is serious business!

• Tell me about it. High-quality content, award-winning short stories, exclusive pieces, SEO-friendly keywords blessed by Google Trends. Google Analytics as my sidekick, and relentless social media sharing.

• On which platforms?

• Practically all of them.

• Right, I forgot. Hate to break it to you, but it’s all useless.

• In what way?

• Old news. Overdone. Links are dull, they glaze over people’s eyes, pass unnoticed like yet another streaming TV series.

• So what now?

• Now, videos! Short, snappy, TikTok-style. Slogans, flashy visuals. Think ‘80s luxury ads. Words are boring, lectures are annoying. People don’t have time. You need balls of steel, a smooth pitch, a decent microphone, studio lighting like a daytime talk show, and a solid video editor. And then you. You need to flirt with the camera, seduce your followers. It’s the author that sells, not the book!

• But I’m shy!

• Then you shouldn’t have become a writer!

• But writers are supposed to be grumpy hermits, hunched over their desks like modern-day Leopardi, living on unrequited love. And besides, I’m not photogenic!

• Let me see... right profile... left... forehead...

• I just don’t have that charming, smug smile, you know? I can’t even fake it.

• Yeah, breaking the screen takes something else. Have you done the swimsuit test?

• Are you saying I should...?

• Worst-case scenario, post a shot of yourself on a rock by the sea, looking like you just wrestled an octopus barehanded. Your abs aren’t flabby, are they?

• What does this have to do with writing novels?

• Everything! Listen, I hate to be blunt, but you’ve got two choices: either you die and pray for posthumous fame, or you hit the gym... or...

• Or?

• Or cause a scandal. Get on TV and make headlines. Something harmless—like dating the heir to the throne of some irrelevant kingdom or streaking naked through the city center on a Saturday afternoon. Helicoptering, of course...

• Naturally. That’d land me a couple of months in jail.

• Exactly! You’ll become an influencer, and then—whoosh! Sky’s the limit!

• So, no more mystery, aloofness, and that touch of arrogance great authors could once afford?

• Old news. You need to sell yourself cheap: free books online, book trailers, and self-interview videos.

• I can’t do it.

• You’re obsolete, my friend. While we’re talking, let’s see... another 240 books have just been published.

• And if I go to sleep, by the time I wake up...

• Exactly! Tomorrow morning, it’ll be a thousand more. Sleep is for losers. Get to work!

• Now?

• When else? You’re already aging out of the trend! By the way, have you run a social media poll to see what people actually want to read?

• Like what?

• Like, I don’t know—do they prefer the usual girl found dead in the woods, the omnipotent serial killer, the detective with a nervous tic, or the German shepherd with Sherlockian instincts?

• But isn’t it the writer’s job to set the trend, define the style, and take risks?

• Sure, but that way you lose your target audience, botch your branding, miss your market, and fumble your communication. Think about it.

• I have. I’m starting a gardening blog.

Various Writer Archetypes: A Field Guide to Modern Authors

 

It's not just my impression - statistics confirm it: in Italy, the number of writers is surpassing that of readers, causing turbulence and some unpleasant mishaps. It's a bit like when warm and cold currents meet to create a tornado, or to use a more local metaphor, like having a single henhouse with a multitude of roosters strutting around among the few hens.

Let's be clear - writing is beautiful, requires dedication, and certainly has its positive effects on good health and general optimism. Everyone has their story to tell, their target readers to reach, and the ambition to improve over time like a Barolo wine from the Langhe region.

So it's positive that stories are emerging from drawers and finding their way into cyberspace. It's equally wonderful that prejudices against bestseller writers are crumbling in the face of certain incredible successes (not in this country, mind you) born from works published by small publishers or completely "homemade," released without a traditional publisher and becoming the subject of million-dollar contracts thanks to Amazon rankings. So yes, self-publishing is gaining ground, small publishers are multiplying, literary contests are more crowded than Sunday afternoon stadiums, printing houses are thriving, and bookstores are flooded with new texts. There are even more book launches than before and many more social events centered around literature.

Good, I really have no objections. The phenomenon is a child of our times, a symptom of freedom and a new economic stimulus. In short, I see many positive things in it, while preserving everyone's right to reject the proposal of a non-vetted author or worse, one capable of convincing potential buyers of their lack of talent and inspiration in the few preview pages that online shops typically grant.

But that's another story.

The problem is the author, their often-emerging bad character, sometimes caused by frustration over poor sales, sometimes because they simply have a bad character - except before, only a few people knew about it.

Because if once we had made Italy but failed to make Italians, now we've built up a frightening apparatus that thrives on writers, without these writers ever having been trained. In short, after a few years of frequent social media observation, I've formed an idea of the most recurring archetypes in the vast galaxy of new authors, and I want to joke about it a bit, hoping not to offend anyone.

THE REVIEWS OBSESSED ONE

By far the most common type. They don't care much about anything else - they keep their Amazon link prominently displayed in their favorites bar and check their book's review count at least sixteen times a day. They reject the evidence that real readers usually don't review but rather read, judge, and often keep their judgment to themselves. With each new review, they post a screenshot, enlarging the image crop until it becomes pixelated. They care very little about whether the review might be from their uncle, and even less about the fact that just two days after their book's release, there are more than one hundred and seventy-two reviews, almost all with four stars trending toward five (I'm not sure the fifth star exists, but I liked the idea). When it reaches pathological levels, the Reviews Obsessed One buys review packages and tends to be tempted by that discount on the two-hundred-and-fifty bundle, including random newsletters and a life-sized author cardboard cutout.

THE ANTI-SYSTEM ONE

Rare but very present in all discussions and controversies about the publishing world. They hate big publishing houses as such and small publishing houses as such. They don't comment on medium-sized ones, although one suspects they have an unflattering opinion of them too. They feel rage against distributors, most booksellers, and all self-published writers. They'd like to eliminate literary salons, contests, book launches, and any book-related events. They don't read mainstream authors as they're too aligned with crude commercial needs, and they shun small authors, who in their opinion are incapable of convincing Sperling & Kupfer to turn their novel into a bestseller. They have a pessimistic opinion of the average reader, don't trust any publication that hasn't been translated into at least fourteen languages (half of which are dead), and only grudgingly draw from foreign literature, usually from South-East Asia, the former Soviet Union, or the Balkans.

THE BOOK LAUNCH ENTHUSIAST

Like the anti-system one, they don't trust distribution (I must say I totally agree on this point). Armed with iron will, a map, and time, they travel around Italy to place their book. Village festivals, bookstores, libraries, wine-tasting restaurants, rented suggestive locations, highway stops, and their rich aunt's good living room - any place suitable for a presentation is their destination. Now, I have the utmost respect for this type of author because they end up with a good number of sales and because they privilege human connection over web spam and the useless arguments that follow.

THE GRAMMAR AND SPELLING NAZI

They care nothing about story coherence, plot development, or character success. They believe that a novel's originality and richness of content have no importance, nor do dialogues and intriguing plot articulation. The Grammar and Spelling Nazi typically wrote just one book, many years ago, and hates every writer in the world based on that single misused article on page 172, an inconsistent verb tense that slipped through in chapter 11, and that damned subjunctive that escaped three different proofreaders and their high school teacher, who read the entire text without noticing the anomaly. They review every single book on the market and systematically trash it, finding that error they knew they would find. Their book, naturally, will be the ultimate text on good writing, the universal reference for orthographic rules, the writers' bible, the incarnation of Chekhov in paper and pixels.

THE "EVERYONE'S A GOAT" ONE

Also rare, but makes themselves heard. They set up a home altar with photos of Sgarbi and Umberto Eco and hate with all their might anyone who writes fiction. Well, not really - they occasionally admit fiction, but only if it's backed by lengthy research in dusty libraries, trips to forgotten countries, speleological missions in mysterious caves, and first drafts born after years and years of painful labor and a couple of stress-related hospitalizations. They're disgusted by genre literature, which they abhor, consider worthy of the name "book" only texts that have well exceeded one hundred thousand words, and usually don't maintain relationships with colleagues. They share with the Book Launch Enthusiast the desire to do thousands of presentations, but only in prestigious, history-steeped venues. They don't disdain deconsecrated churches, ancient manors, and cultural circles, but only of a certain level. For them, everyone else, including most of their readers (whom they already know won't understand the depth of their lucubrations), are simply goats.

THE ARGUMENTATIVE ONE

They exist and aren't so rare. Born of an Italian propensity for controversy and frustrated by their own poor editorial success, they tend to disregard promoting their own books and focus on their competitors'. They share with the Grammar Nazi the same obsession for blunders, but their arguments (fueled via social media) systematically start with more or less explicit references to a certain fellow writer, guilty in their opinion of surpassing them in rankings (always that Amazon ranking) by using questionable means and showing unforgivable inelegance. The Argumentative One responds to objections to their controversy by inviting their competitors to find a worthy publisher, a competent proofreader, a capable graphic designer. The Argumentative One argues. It's completely useless to try to steer the discussion toward constructive topics. They have touchpoints with the Reviews Obsessed One, throwing reviews in your face to prove they're successful, reaching hearts and minds and making soul strings vibrate, all while the competitor mindlessly scribbles without dignity.

THE OVERLY HAPPY ONE

Their book comes out and the world stops rotating. The entire known universe has a hiccup and seems to need a push to restart. They're so happy they don't realize they've sent a newsletter to seven hundred thousand people and that social media is going into overdrive due to the compulsive repetition of their promotional posts. They get photographed with the book in twelve different poses and thank everyone. They thank all their relatives, the love of their life, the publisher with the entire staff, and the courier who delivered their author copies. They're so happy they immediately prepare a promotional video of the book, a couple of YouTube interviews, and various photos of themselves signing autographs at some publishing fair. They're so happy they quote passages from their novel on all networks and sometimes even hire an actor/actress to read them with a well-trained voice. The Overly Happy One usually disappears after a week.